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All of Me

At the end of the day, I may be beyond the realm of exhaustion, but let me tell you, Little Man, you're worth all of me!

At the end of the day, I may be beyond the realm of exhaustion, but let me tell you, Little Man, you’re worth all of me!

We all have our own “thing” – that thing that moves us.  For some, it’s art; for others, nature, a good book, time alone, or time surrounded by friends.  For me, it’s music.  Music simply stirs my soul in a way I cannot explain.  It’s as if I can hear the very voice of God saying, “Be still.  Just listen and let go and know I’ve got this.”

There are several songs that speak to me in different ways and a lot of it just depends on the battle of the day.  Which dragon we’re taking on fiercely defines which songs are going to speak to me on any given day, but there is one song that no matter where I am, no matter what I’m facing on that day, stops me in my tracks and forces me to take a few minutes for a deep breath and reflection.

“All of Me” by Matt Hammitt is about the emotions he and his wife went through when their son was born with a heart defect.  I still remember the very first time I heard this song.  It was pre-diagnosis.  We knew something wasn’t right, but couldn’t really put our finger on it.  Our doctor, who we love had checked his developmental milestones and while he agreed he had some quirks, assured us Ben had met all the standards and we should just watch him in the months to come.  But months were passing, and something wasn’t right.  I was driving home after a rather stressful trip for groceries and had just turned onto our country road.  Ben was in his seat directly behind mine, and Ali was across from him in hers. The tune is very relaxing, so it caught me instantly.  I turned up the radio and felt my muscles melt into my seat, very glad we were less than a mile from home, on an empty country road.

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I’m so close to what I can’t control
I can’t give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

(Oh my word, does this guy know us or what?)  I looked in my rearview mirror to see our precious son glance up and make eye contact with me through the mirror just in time to hear the chorus:

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
‘Cause you’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear
You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

(Jesus, take the wheel.  I can’t see through these tears to drive!)

I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms
I won’t let pain keep you from my heart
I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lost
For every moment I share with you
You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
‘Cause you’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear
You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

Heaven brought you to this moment, it’s too wonderful to speak
You’re worth all of me, you’re worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You’re worth all of me, you’re worth all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
‘Cause you’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear
You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start
You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
‘Cause you’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear
You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start
It’s where I’ll start

I’m still not sure how Matt Hammit could possibly know this momma’s heart, but if I didn’t know any better, I’d argue with anyone who said he didn’t write this song for us.  But I do know better.  I know that God was with me that afternoon.  He was with me in my frustrations.  He knew my fear.  He knew my hesitations.  He knew my weakness.  He knew my heartbreak.  And He knows my heart.  He knows my heart…He answered my heartbreak with this song.  Every single time I hear it, I am taken back to my van on that stressful afternoon and I can feel it all being lifted once again.  And I pray again and again that He will give me the strength to give Ben all of me.  This is why we work so hard to help him learn.  This is why we spent 26 weeks driving to Peoria twice a week for therapy, a seven hour adventure.  This is why we tirelessly search for methods to help our son learn.  This is why I run every base with him at every t-ball game and literally hold him up in the outfield.  This is why…because he’s worth it.  He’s worth all of me.

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